MATh= mad+sad

It has been a stressful week for me.....

i'm in a pre-exam mode where i'm suppose to be concentrating on all the subjects and really brush up my weaknesses.

Everyday, i enter the class with the determination to NOT fall asleep, or feel bored, or get distracted by the usual hunger or the cold temperature of the room *brrr~ shiver* OR daydream..

So far, i think i have managed to get rid of the distraction of being hungry in the middle of the class, (lost of appetite due to stress)

Mentos,a cup of hot Nescafe before class,a few slaps on the face and pinching the back of my hand under the desk get me going without feeling too sleepy.

Clasping my cold hands between my knees keep me quite warm to get through the 5 hours of classes.

Boredom and daydream - cure yet to be discovered.

However, the biggest problem i have encountered in class is of course,

The Inability of understanding certain subjects in class.

*big sigh*

Especially Math.

Oh, how MAthematics frustrates me! I have to say though, as much as Chemistry confuses me, nothing can ever beat Mathematics for me.

I'm not blaming the lecturers. Believe me, i have been through this same situation countless times before and i am convinced (and have already accepted) that the problem certainly lies within myself.

Evidence A: I got sent to a tuition class when i was in standard 2 because i got a C- in maths dammit! Standard 2!! A simple division and problem solving questions, and yet already a C- scribbled across the report card.

Evidence B: observe the constipated facial expression that's oh-so-obvious on my face in Math class.

doing mathematics exercises in my room is like taking a medicine with really bad side-effects:

1. hyperventilation

2. dizzy

3. severe mood swings

4. unexpected and explotive reactions

(screaming first, boxing the pillows second, followed by an attempt of smothering oneself with the mangled pillows, disastrous attempt of mimicking Mariah Carey's high-pitched notes)

5. irritation around the eyes which causes them to water

Maths turn me into a watering pot. (yes, i admit that i'm a crybaby when it comes to this.)

What makes me angry the most is, not able to do maths does not make me hate maths.

it just makes me hate myself for not being able to do it.

it makes me think about negative things like,

"All my siblings are good at it. Why am i the only one left out? What's wrong with me??"

sometimes, i still calculate using my toes... it's pathetic.

i am ashamed of myself for not being good at it. that is why i keep working hard for it. i believe that if i persist and continue to work harder and harder and harder, eventually i will be able to do it with one eyes closed.

if mathematics were a person, i want to be able to say to his face,

"Give it all to me! I'm gonna bring it on bee-yatch."